NUT CRACKER
by Hawkmamaknows
Summary: The Seven Deadly Sins and their friends gather around to celebrate holiday traditions new and old. But when one of their own threatens the holiday, it could end up tearing them apart.


It was Christmas Eve in the Boar Hat, and all through the night not a creature was stirring— except the Seven Deadly Sins and their friends gathered around to trim the tree. The weather outside had buried the entire building under a full fifteen feet mountain of unmovable ice and snow, the storm outside more of an Armageddon than a seasonal holiday.

Around the room there were eight little Christmas stockings nailed to the walls, little figurines on the tables, Celtic crosses, bells on doors, red ribbons twirled around the stairs, a blood sacrifice, other Christmas stuff. The whole random lot. Way too much. Merlin was only found under a pile of Christmas wreaths after she didn't show up for the eggnog. The rest watched as Meliodas straightened their freshly cut tree in its stand in the center of the Boar Hat.

"~Heeeey. Where did you guys get this tree?~" Ban asked nervously, wiping the sweat from his brow discreetly as he kept his distance.

"From the tree lot down the road, why?" answered Escanor as his head popped around the side of the green pine, a Santa hat on his head. Ban only shook his head, breathing a sigh of relief before stepping closer.

"It's a very nice tree," Elaine simpered, patting Ban's butt as she handed him a stiff drink.

Meliodas laughed. "You should be thanking me. You should have seen the sorry looking ones Elizabeth liked! If it was up to her, we'd be looking at her bush."

Ban choked on his drink.

"It was not a bush!" Elizabeth cried. "It was a very nice little tree, in a bit of a triangle shape."

Meliodas shook his head. "No, no, it was way too thick. It was all coarse and rough. I got like a rash just touching it, it was like sandpaper. You could barely see through it when you spread the limbs apart."

Escanor adjusted his glasses. "I agree with Elizabeth. I happen to enjoy a nice, thick bush. The smell wafting from its thickness was divine. It's not something you see around here much these days." Sighing, he looked a bit misty-eyed. "I can't imagine how sweet the sap was that came out of that bush."

Elaine swirled her drink, "I myself can appreciate a good plant."

"Anyway!" Ban exclaimed, throwing his drink behind him and hitting Hawk square in the face. "Are we hanging things on this tree or not?"

"Yes!" Elizabeth clapped her hands and grinned. "Did everyone make an ornament?"

The others all murmured yes, and together the group gathered around the tree to present their crafts.

"Sir Meliodas, why don't you go first?" Elizabeth said.

"Yeah, Captain!" the rest called, so he jumped up to stand in front of the room. Standing tall on a stool so he was at least boob level, he cleared his throat, fake antlers on his head, and he held his up for everyone to see. "I made mine to look like Hawk!" he said proudly.

The others nodded as he continued, "As you can see, my ball is on the small side, just like our friend. It is pink, smooth, and free of any fuzz or hair, except for one little tiny corkscrew that comes out of the back." He turned the ornament around so they could all see. "My perfectly sized ball is round and cute, not too saggy on the line and fits perfectly in my hand."

"Just like you, Captain!" Ban shouted, and Elaine shushed him.

"But my ball is strong, too. You could punch my ball, squeeze it firmly in your grasp, bite my ball, you could hit my ball, you could step on my ball with Merlin's stilettos if you want," he smiles at a beaming Elizabeth, "but my ball will take a _lot_ of abuse." With that he turned and hung it on the tree, the beautiful pink orb glimmering in the lights. Bouncing on its branch and gaining a wide round of applause.

"Er," Margaret trailed off, "is it me.. or does it kind of look like he's talking about his—?"

Ban leaned over and poked King, cutting the princess off. "Hey, did you hear that~?" he whispered loudly, but King simply shrugged him off.

"Me and Diane made one together!" King said, next to stand in front of the others. He cleared his throat and said, "I asked Diane for her help, because as you know, she is my girlfriend, and I am her boyfriend." He wagged his fingers at the giantess, now human-sized, and she wagged hers back. "Yes, we are dating. The two of us, to each other. She loves me, and I love her, and we love each other—"

Ban gags, as Howzer makes the hand motions of putting a noose around his neck and pulling it tight.

" _Anyway_ ," King went on, glaring at the two of them, "My ball is a bit odd-shaped, since that's what Diane likes. She said she likes misshapen balls, because those balls are easiest to handle."

"That's right!" Diane piped up, scooping up the ball with a sigh as she brought it up to her face to rub her cheek against it before showing it off. "I like to play with misshapen balls a lot. They have a bit of character, you know? Plus, if they are not the same size, they are easier to keep track of. I mean, sure, you could all have perfectly shaped balls, but where is the fun in that? They will get lost in the crowd with all the other ones no matter how pretty we dress up these balls! If I'm gonna be face to face with balls, all the time, just out and for me to see all day, I want something to really _look_ at. I want to remember those balls."

King's ornament was, in fact, very misshapen. It was pear-shaped instead of round, with a bit of an indentation in one side. And everyone clapped, though this time they ooh-ed and aww-ed like they were looking at interpretive art. Howzer, Dreyfus and Hendrickson turning their head to the side as they kept clapping.

"Why the glitter though?" Gowther asked, as an already tipsy Merlin came up to jiggle his ball back and forth.

King winked at Diane, who winked back. And kept winking, because she got some glitter sprayed in her eye from all that ball rubbing. "Diane likes a nice glistening ball, don't you?" he cooed, and for the next three minutes they made kissy faces at one another.

"Hey!" Hawks face scrunched up, "are you guys taking this seriously, because it kind of feels like you you're actually talking about your—!"

"I'll go next!" Hawk was cut off as King's sadly misshapen ball was hung next to Meliodas' smooth but surprisingly strong one, and it was Gilthunder's turn. Already crying, he blew his nose into a handkerchief and said, "I just want to say, it's been _such_ an amazing year. I mean, first I was evil, then my girlfriend tried to kill herself, then I wasn't evil, then I got to see Meliodas and Ban fight, then I leveled up, then I got kidnapped, then my girlfriend turned evil and saved me, then I found out I missed the chance to see my dead dad, and now I work for Howzer! I mean, we haven't seen the sun in two months, the snow is so high now I think we are going to die. I mean, isn't it just _GREAT_?"

Everyone shifted uncomfortably as Gilthunder sniffled and held his ball aloft. "Anyway, I know I cry a lot now, and believe me I've been to every doctor in Britannia. So to represent myself and this _SUPER AWESOME_ year I've been having, I made this."

His ball was wet, as if he had just dunked it into something. The moistened sides of Gilthunder's ball reflected the Christmas lights, giving off the illusion that it was just fresh from the bath, or perhaps belonging to a swimmer. It was even dripping a bit on the floor, all the wetness from his ball gathering at the base, large drops of moisture falling to make a puddle on the floor. With another loud blow of his nose, Gilthunder hung his wet ball above Meliodas'; the droplets dripping down the tree to soak everything, a puddle expanding on the floor. But as he took his seat, the captain quickly moved it further down the tree.

"He's got one sad looking ball," Elaine whispered to Ban, who nodded.

"I don't know," Margaret whispered to Elaine, "it looks like a few good, firm strokes and licks could dry it up."

"Why would you lick it?" Elaine asked confused, in which Margaret shrugged, "I left the tissues upstairs." In which Elaine ah-d, and nodded in understanding.

Gowther stood and moved in front of the tree. "I suppose I'm next." He held up his ornament, and the room gasped. It was the most beautifully shaped ball they had ever seen! It was the perfect ball, truly, in fact: that both Meliodas and Ban fell to the floor, shading their eyes with their hands as the very glow from Gowther's ball almost blinded them in its brilliance. It was so round, a bit heavy, no odd colorings or drooping. "I thought for my ball," he said simply, "I should find one that is well-loved. This ball has been used before; in fact, I think that my ball is the only one that has been actually used out of all the people in this room, am I correct?"

He tilted his head slightly as the others nodded, tears from his explanation making most of the room sniffle. "Yes, I know many of you have alluded to using your balls before in the past, and perhaps there are stories that exist about your balls. Others maybe create fake, or even overdramatized poetic tales about your balls before my own was even thought of. But _my_ ball has been proven to be used. My ball was used, actually, by my beloved Nadja. Oh! Nadja loved my ball. And the night I allowed her to use my ball, she cradled it tenderly, lovingly. She held my ball in her hand and pressed it against her. She smiled and said she was happy to be the one who touched it, to be the one that held it tenderly, and when Nadja closed her eyes and sighed as she slowly slid her fingers over it as she placed it into her small but cute bush… was my first Christmas. So this one is for you, Nadja, the only woman in this entire place to ever hold my ball, or anyone else's."

There was not a dry eye in the place as they all thought of that beautiful girl who died from Gowther's ball.

Once everyone had collected themselves, Howzer stood. "My ball represents the one who has my heart," he said, smiling out on the others. "My love also comes from this place, so like Sir Meliodas here, I have a pig ball too."

Howzer held up a giant, round ornament. It was the size and shape of a really big sweet potato, and he grinned. "I did a bit of research on boars, and their anatomy is pretty interesting. So I decided to make mine look like a pig. My ball may be big, but so am I. And my ball may be hairless, but so am I, except for the luscious locks on top here." With that he grinned and winked, running a hand through the perfectly coiffed pouf on top. "You can see as well when I lift my ball, it drops down a big, hanging in the sack that I made for it. The heavy skin that I used fits nice and snug over the ball, but it does pucker a bit."

"Howzer," Elizabeth teased, as a foaming Hawk was physically held back by both his ears, "this is wonderful! I can't believe you are actually _publicly_ declaring your love for Hawk Mama!" She gushes, in which Howzer finally sputtered to a stop.

"Hawk Mama?!" Howzer yelped. "My ball isn't for Hawk Mama, it's for Diane!"

Everyone gasped at once, before Meliodas and Merlin start screaming "OOOHH!" three spotlights centering on Diane, King and Howzer as Diane immediately shoved her pigtails into her face. "What do you mean, for _Diane_?" King shouted as he sprang up from the sofa. He stood and poked his finger into Howzer's chest as everyone chanted 'fight fight fight'. "Diane's _my_ girl!" King yelled.

Howzer laughed. "Why would Diane pick your ugly misshapen ball over the large strong ball I have?"

King proceeded to rip off his shirt, turning into a fat dude as howzer removed his own. The shouts of "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" getting louder and louder.

"Wait!" Diane yelled, tearing up, "Howzer, your ball is really nice," she said, and King whirled on her. "Diane! How could you!"

"I'm sorry," she wailed as the boos made her burst into tears. "I just really love balls! I love them in every shape and size! Every color! Every style! I can't stop from wanting to at least touch them!"

"Wait a second," Meliodas interrupted, holding up a finger over the roar of the crowd. "If Diane was the love you were talking about, why would your ball look like a pig?"

Howzer shrugged. "Diane works at the Boar's Hat, so it reminded me of her."

At that moment, a huge _PUUUUGGOOOOOO_ thundered through the tavern, scaring the shit (literal from Hawk) as the walls shook, a tidal wave of snow flung in all directions outside, and tables and bottles and presents, and Santa hats, and Christmas lights, and dreidels, and miniature town figurines, and the bar counter and forks and napkins and staplers and pillows and window panes and flexi-straws and knocking Ban onto his ass. A board under Howzer's feet sprang up, hitting him square between the legs, and the Holy Knight howled in pain as he fell to the floor.

"Oh no the nutcracker!" Elizabeth yelled, holding up the broken toy that had snapped in two during the sudden Hawk Mama earthquake.

Gilthunder sobbed and helped him aside, as Hendrickson and Dreyfus stood together. They both started speaking at the same time, causing them both to erupt into giggles and playfully swat one another, slapping playfully at the others hands, batting their eyelashes as they each whispered, "You go! No, you! No, you!"

"Okay!" Finally Hendrickson said, as Dreyfus giggled, "We decided to put our balls together. I mean, it's been years—"

"Literal years," Dreyfus agreed excitedly.

"Years we've been together, and you know what? After getting possessed by demons and awakening demons and getting dicked over by demons, you one day realize…" Here the two men looked at one another. "There is nothing more beautiful than when you can look at your best friend and say, let's put our balls together."

"Here here!" King called. The woman aww-ing loudly.

"Thank fucking _god_ Slader is still in Lioness." Ban says blandly.

"Oh you. You had the idea first dummy." Dreyfus blushed. "So we did! Hendrickson took my ball, and-and I took his, and at the same time we molded and squeezed and caressed each other's balls until something, well, _unexpected_ happened."

"Oh I can bet," Margaret grunted.

Eagerly, Hendrickson went on, as the two men stared into each other's eyes for a long period of heterosexual time. "As we were working on each other's balls, all of a sudden all of our Christmas spirit came gushing out! We were filled with hot, thick joy for the season, and it flowed through our hands as we rubbed it back onto the balls."

"Things got a bit dirty there for a while," Dreyfus chuckled. "I mean, you should have seen it! Two grown men who had never held another man's balls before. It was like our first time after all! I mean I've been married before and made some good balls with my wife and kids, but it's really so _different_ with just another man and not the gentle touch a woman has. I hardly knew what to do with Hendrickson's ball, let alone my own, so I kept just working on it, looking at it, breathing it in, _really visualizing it,_ trying to understand what _felt_ right. And when I felt the explosion of Christmas magic coming from his ball, I knew I had done what I was born to do. It just felt… right."

"Hear hear!" Meliodas cried, and everyone clapped loudly, the longest applaud anyone had gotten so far, really moved by the two men's Christmas spirit, for the two men as they hung their balls on the tree side by side.

Griamore stood then, holding up something that no one could see. "This is my ball," he said shyly. "It's really tiny." With that he hung it on the tree, and everyone promptly forgot he existed as he went back to standing on his hands and knees as Veronica snapped her whip on the floor.

"Is there anyone else?" Diane asked.

"Yeshh," Merlin slurred. Completely drunk now, she staggered to her feet, pointing one shaking finger at Escanor. "We gotta see _his_ balls now."

With a mixture of dread and excitement, all eyes turned to the small, older man sitting off to the side. Once Escanor realized they were all looking at him, he cleared his throat fourteen times and nervously stood. "Well," he said with a shaking voice, "since I have my trusty ol' spectacles here, I made—"

"WAIT!" Ban yelled! "Whatta bout me?"

In his fury to be heard, Ban leapt from his own stool, knocking over Escanor. The Lion Sin fell to the floor, and in his clumsiness his glasses flew from his face, skidding across the wood and stopping between Merlin's feet as he landed on his face. There was a moment of shock, everyone frozen and unsure of what to do.

One second passed.

Ban went more white then the undead guy already usually was.

"Maybe he won't notice," Gowther whispered to no one. All stock still in fear.

But, to everyone's dismay, at that moment Escanor began to grow. "Who dares to tell _me_ where to hang my ball?" he boomed face first into the floor, before his head slowly turned to show a large, prideful eyeball zeroing on them. "Is it you?"

He sat up and pointed his large, sausage-like finger at Elizabeth, who shook her head furiously. "No, Sir Escanor, Sir!"

"I should not hang my ball aloft on this tree?" he called. His head now hit the ceiling he was so tall, his rapidly expanding muscles pushing outward. "And who decided _that_?"

"No no no no no one did, Escanor!" shouted Meliodas. "You can put your ball out if you want!"

"I HAVE A BLAZING BALL THAT I WILL NOW DELIVER!" Escanor was now nearly at full strength, his tiny head looking ridiculous on his ballooning body. Holding out his hand, a ball of flame appeared, hovering in the air. "NOW ALL SHALL FEEL MY HOT BALL."

"Ah fuck," was all Ban got out before Escanor brought his hand, and searing ball heat, into his prone body and tree. For a moment, his ball hung in a bright light, perfectly illuminating the tree and all the other ornaments that hung on the branches. But then it all quickly disintegrated as the fire consumed ornaments, lights, leaves, and all.

Merlin leapt into action, tackling Escanor and thrusting the glasses onto his face. Within moments they had the fire out, and Escanor was back to the skinny old man they knew and loved. "Oh no!" he cried, looking at the shriveled, dead remains of his once glorious ball. "What did I do?"

"It's okay, Escanor," Meliodas said with a firm pat on the back. "I mean, the tree isn't okay, since you burnt it to a crisp, but that's fine. Someone was bound to set it on fire sooner or later."

The others agreed, and instead of crying over burnt balls, they decided to continue the celebrations. In a quiet corner, Elaine kissed Ban's cheek. "I'm sorry you didn't get to show off _your_ ball," she whispered.

"Nah, I didn't make one anyway~" Ban replied. He laughed when she looked at him startled and hurried on, "But, I did make something else! Hey everyone!" he called. "I made my famous Christmas holes! Come help yourselves!"

Everyone hurried over to where Ban pulled out a tray of hot, fresh holes. Each hole was different, some chocolate, some stuffed with jam or jelly or cream. They were rounded and fit easily into the palm of the hand, and as Ban passed around the tray, everyone exclaimed over how tasty they were.

"This is the best hole I've ever had!" Elizabeth cried as she licked the coating off the hole's edges, and Margaret nodded. "I love your balls too, Ban!"

He beamed with pride, giving his a thorough licking before he started dipping his tongue in to get to the real treat inside. "Yes~! I've been told my hole _and_ my balls are delightful.~"

"This hole is filled with cream!" Hendrickson exclaimed happily. He popped one ball after another into Dreyfus' mouth as his friend kept his mouth open wide and waiting for him, until it was crammed with so many balls Dreyfus eyes starting pricking with tears, even as he choked on a laugh. "I can't believe you can fit so many balls in your mouth Dreyfus!" he laughed. "Look everyone, Dreyfus is choking on my balls!"

Howzer examined one closely, giving it a sniff. "I didn't realize you could powder your hole." He tasted Ban's hole tentatively, giving a yummy sound as he rolled the ball around his mouth.

"I like the sticky ones," Merlin slurred, her face propped up against the table as she popped a hole into her mouth, and then licked her fingers one by one.

"Ban's sticky hole is good, but I think the powdered balls are the best," Diane said. She turned to King and asked, "King? Have you had any?"

"I've tasted Ban's balls many times," he told her in a huff. "We were roommates, you know." And hearing that Margaret sighed, clearly jealous.

Elaine smiled proudly. "Ban lets me stuff his holes sometimes," she said. "We wake up early to sneak into the kitchen, and he taught me all his techniques on how to stuff a hole tight and full!"

"Elaine! That's a secret!" Ban shouted half heartedly, as they made gooey-eyes at each other. While their faces and fingers were gooey too.

"Oh please, everyone probably guessed by now," she huffed at him, cutely nibbling on a corner of the glazed hole as she turned towards King. "So you have to at least eat my hole Harlequin! It's the brotherly thing to do!"

Leaning closer, Elizabeth asked, "How do you do it? Meliodas asked me to stuff his holes with him before, but he's so terrible at it that I didn't know which end was up."

"Oh it's easy," replied the fairy, holding up her hands to make the proper motions. "The trick is to have a really tight grip, and make sure the tip is hard enough to penetrate the hole. You need to make sure the ball is still nice and warm, too, otherwise the hole might rupture."

Everyone nodded. "Hey! Let me have some of Ban's balls! I want a taste!" Hawk squealed, his long pig tongue rolling around.

"Oh whoops! Sorry there, for a second we forgot you excited." Margaret said sheepishly, as she rubbed a hole harder into Gilthunder's lips.

"Here you go, Master," Ban said, pulling out his holes and balls again. The pig squealed loudly as a literal mountain of cream covered and stuffed holes and balls descended onto him, like a hot foaming mountain.

Once they were done feasting on Ban's balls and holes, everyone gathered around the blackened hunk of timber that used to be the Christmas tree. "Well, everyone," Meliodas said, "there will be eight little horrible children up at the ass crack of dawn looking for presents in the morning, so off to bed with you all."

Merlin let out a loud, drunken sob, shaking her empty eggnog container. "Merry Christ-assery."

"Merry fucking Christmas!" they all cheered. Then everyone removed their clothes and had the traditional Christmas Eve orgy. Exactly sixteen minutes later, they headed off to bed to await the arrival of the holiday.

Merry Christmas, Nanatsu no Taizai! PUUUGOOOO


End file.
